Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Oprah, Bumble Berries and Bras

I have a thing for magazines. I don't know if it is the allure of reading pure fluff or if it is that articles are so short and can often be finished in one sitting, but it's definitely a form of escapism for me. I rarely glean any important information from these magazines, but it's one of those guilty pleasures I indulge in once in a while.

When I opened this month's O Magazine I was unimpressed. This month's all about makeovers, and I am just not all that interested.

I guess I really shouldn't be surprised that a magazine by Oprah Winfrey would fail to inspire me. After all, the only things I have in common with the Queen of talk shows is prior residency in Chicago and a deep and abiding love for food.

Other than that, nothing. We got nothing. So, it shouldn't really be a shocker when I open O Magazine and the themes don't exactly resonate with me.

Still, I learned a lot by reading this magazine:
I have discovered that *gasp* I own none of Fall's essential wardrobe pieces. Also, the editors at O Magazine have a vastly different definition of the word "affordable" than do I. But the most important piece of information? Apparently, a properly fitting bra has the power to transform my life. Who knew?

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Danny's first day of school was today. He got home at lunchtime and Charlotte was so happy to see him. I think she is having a tough adjustment to him not being home. She couldn't wait to pick him up this afternoon.

The kids played happily together for an hour or two.

The peace quickly dissolved, however, and fighting commenced, as usual. Charlotte's wailing was loud enough to wake the dead. The reason for Charlotte's misery was apparently, Danny had eaten all the Bumble Berries that she had planned on feeding to her kitten.

"NOW THERE ARE NO MORE BUMBLE BERRIES FOR KITTEN!!!!!!! Wahhhhhhhhh!"

The fact that the Bumble Berries were entirely imaginary and that her kitten is a stuffed animal did nothing to quell Charlotte's agony or quiet her sobs. (In case you are wondering, Bumble Berries are all the rage in Care-A-Lot, the commune of Care Bears located on a very pastel colored cloud filled with rainbows and hearts and suns.)

I actually had to pretend to make Charlotte more Bumble Berries and let her kitten (whose name is Snickels, by the way) eat them out of my hand in order to pacify her. If Danny came anywhere near me or made a move to eat the berries, more lamentation would ensue.

If the editors at O were witness to my afternoon, I am sure they would conclude that I have much bigger problems than whether my handbag (Ha!) matches my shoes (double Ha!).

Clearly, I have bigger fish to fry than finding the newest, latest streamlined peacoat on the market. I'm thinking even they would admit that I might need something more than a well-fitting undergarment to change my life.

Which is why I am saving my money for a new Bumble Berry Machine. I am hoping to find one that can keep Snickels well-fed while also producing enough to leave Danny satisfied. Then peace will reign forevermore, right?

Fingers crossed that ebay has a used one.


6 comments:

Susan said...

Shoes and handbags. HA! I'm with you. You'd just have to make sure it has space for bumbleberries :)

Alysia said...

matching shoes and handbag? what's that?
Magazines are my guilty pleasure too, although now I just resort to reading them while getting my hair colored. I used to subscribe to "Cookie" magazine, which made me feel all sorts of inadequate about my parenting (What? not jetting off to Aspen for Feb vacation??)
You are clearly an amazing mom to your kids and the Care Bears.
Alysiain

Sarah said...

Hilarious as usual. May I suggest that the Bumble Berries wear peacoats this fall?

Mrsbear said...

Yeah, I doubt O Magazine has its finger on the pulse of the average stay-at-home mom.

Although, I can't promise that a properly fitting bra wouldn't change my life. ;)

All it takes is bumble berries to make even the best game deteriorate.

Ginny Marie said...

I gave up on O Magazine after I read a couple of issues. It's hard to read something that features the same person on the cover month after month!

Good luck in your quest to find a new Bumble Berry Machine!

Ellie said...

It never ceases to amaze me when I see women of all ages and walks of life fawn over Oprah. She is a wealthy, influential woman who has given away cars, but those expenses don't pinch her in any way, I would expect. Her persuasive tidbits of wisdom don't seem to have made the world a better place. I agree that her food sense is pretty awesome and that her show/magazine can have entertaining moments, but I also agree that she is not in touch with day-to-day life. You could make a much better magazine, Patty! Maybe that's what you should do - create an electronic magazine for stay-at-home moms everywhere. You could include recipes, ways for dealing with fractious small children, words of wisdom and comfort, the latest in autism spectrum news and help. Or you could branch out for more universal appeal. I think your blog is great, even though I sadly don't have any kids. I'll bet you that would be a hit. What do you think?