Monday, April 12, 2010

note to my neighbors

Dear Neighbors,

I really enjoy living near you, but I have a couple of requests of you. First off, could you please, please, please quit barbecuing every single day? When I smell your perfectly seared steaks, I lose my appetite for the day-old casserole I am serving. It would so help my budget and diet if you would eat more liver and onions or mac and cheese.

Also, could you cool it on the landscaping? Your flowers and green lawn are beautiful, but they make my lawn full of dandelions look shabbier than ever. If you would mow just a little less often, my 6-inch high grass wouldn't look nearly as tall. Seriously, if you could just exert a little laziness, my life would be much simpler. It's not a lot to ask, is it? I mean, besides the patchy lawn, crying kids, and toys left strewn everywhere, we aren't terrible neighbors, are we? You don't have to put up that much from us aside from the occasional garbage that blows up onto your lawn because Bil has forgotten to weigh the lid from the can down so as to keep raccoons out.

Oh, and yes, I know my kids have on occasion wandered into your yard, not to mention all the sticks they throw to your dogs. But really, when you have a dog aren't you just begging for kids to throw sticks in your yard? Aside from that and the occasional yelling, my kids are quite charming, aren't they?

And I know we had a tractor parked in your driveway for much of last summer, and Bil has forgotten to return a borrowed tool, but....well, I can't really think of much to excuse that.

Think of it this way, less yard work and grilling will free up some leisure time for you. I'm just thinking of you and your stress levels.

Because that's just the kind of thoughtful neighbor I am.

Sincerely,
Patty

11 comments:

Sarah said...

I needed a chuckle like you wouldn't believe and you delivered. You are much kinder then I would be to some of my neighbors---my prose would be laced with jealousy with a peppering of sarcasm....

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Oh, funny!
When we lived in NJ everyone's lawn was raked every w/e in fall. Except us. We did one big rake. I used to get paranoid thinking they blamed us for any leaves blowing on their green lawns. I'll bet you're a great neighbor!

Stonefox said...

Ha! That is great!1

rebecca said...

"cool it on the landscaping." I love it. I wish my neighbors would cool it on the lawn ornaments.

Mrsbear said...

Haha! I love this, we would make great neighbors. Have I mentioned my house hasn't been painted since we bought it. Shabby is a bit of an understatement. Two non-working cars in the backyard might bring it home to you. :) I swear we're not rednecks.

Bil said...

Neighbors, if you're reading this, please laugh... we're not snarky people, really.

Jen said...

Lol!! We have neighbours like this. Iin fact they were so into their garden that they used to do our front garden too because we were letting them down. In the end I had to concrete our driveway and build a wall to keep them out because I would be breastfeeding my babies with the neighbours butt framed in my window as he weeded our flowerbed. I can laugh at it now, but I got quite cross at the intrusion and 'helpful' advice at the times, hormones? Will be back to visit again:) Jen.

Elizabeth Channel said...

I feel your pain! We have retired neighbors around us and their yards are too perfect it's sickening! And our dog likes them better than us because they feed her more treats!

Funny!

Ginny Marie said...

My husband would feel better about his lawn if he had a neighbor with a patchy lawn, too! He's always talking about how the neighbors' grass looks better than ours!

5 Kids With Disabilities said...

This was such a great post! I can just smell the seared steaks now. And envision a perfectly manicured lawn with flowers. Why couldn't your neighbors be NORMAL?????
Lindsey

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

Do you live near me? Because seriously, those things with the barbecuing and the landscaping is totally my neighbors!