Since Bil just started a new job, he won't be able to come with me. My sister, who happens to be extremely supportive and understanding especially about mothering a special needs kid, offered to come to the appointment in his stead. My mom was going to come, but as luck would have it, the doctor's office scheduled the appointment the week she is out of town. Anyway, so my sister, who works full-time and has two kids, a cat and an African water frog is driving 2 hours to meet me at the doctor's office.
I felt guilty allowing her to do this for me, but now I am so glad I relented. It gives me comfort to know my sister will be there with me. I don't know if the doctor will even give us his diagnosis at the appointment or if I will have to come back for that. I don't know much of anything, really, but I do know it will be easier with B by my side.
I am surprised at my trepidation today. Up until today, I had been so matter-of-fact about this appointment. The doctor very likely won't say much that will surprise me, so what do I have to fear? Still, all of a sudden, I am nervous and I am not sure why. I know there is nothing he can say that will change who Danny is. He will still be my little boy, my exuberant, sweet, stubborn, bright kid who I love with a fierceness that sometimes still surprises me.
Still, I do feel like Dr. M has the potential to change everything for us, just by uttering that one word: "autism." I am already so sensitive to how people perceive Danny. I worry that he will be labeled and judged by others, that he will be treated differently.
I also hate having someone who doesn't know my son tell me what is "wrong" with him. Dr. M can never know who Danny really is. And he is so much more than some diagnosis or disability.
And yet, this disability could be part of who he is, what he struggles with. Will having a diagnosis help Danny? Will it help us help him?
I think I made this appointment hoping for some answers, but I suspect that it will only give me more questions.