This was the second therapy session with Linda this summer and also the second time she raised concerns about Danny probably having Asperger's. As you might know, I have already been seriously suspecting this for a while, but Linda's observations pretty much cemented it in my mind that Danny has some form of high-functioning autism. We are waiting for our appointment with a developmental pediatrician to see if it is official, but I would be very surprised if the doctor didn't diagnose Danny as being on the Spectrum (I don't capitalize "spectrum" out of reverence here, but more out of awe. You know, as in the kind of awe you might have for something that has the capability of changing your entire world).
So, of course, this has all been uppermost in my mind, because I am the sort who tends to worry and obsess way too much. Interestingly, the feelings I would fully expect to be experiencing--fear, pain, disappointment, a deep sense of injustice, fury--are not there; instead I just feel numb.
I don't think it is the type of numbness you feel when depressed and can't seem to focus or get anything done. On the contrary, I feel galvanized. I have lists of things to get done or things I am in the process of achieving: I have talked with the school social worker about getting Danny into a social skills group, I have made an appointment with a developmental pediatrician, planned a therapy schedule to do with Danny, and started making plans for revamping his diet to help with his development. I will be insisting that Danny receive OT at the school for the visual processing disorder that Linda has discovered. I have ordered books from the library about autism and am registering for an autism symposium in Chicago. And that is just the beginning. I have so much to do.
Still, even as I write this, I feel like I am writing about someone else. Someone else's kid. It doesn't feel personal to me. And I know that is not normal. At least it isn't normal for me. I don't ever deal with any sort of crisis or bad news without feeling it. And often not without wallowing in it, if truth be told.
So, the numbness concerns me a bit. I don't believe it will last. No, I think sooner or later, those feelings will come. I wonder if they will come all at once, if they will last a long time, how I will deal with them. I guess only time will tell.
Until then, the numbness is sort of pleasant. Comfortable, even.