Thursday, August 13, 2009

I miss my family.



Bil here. I need to do something to feel better...my soul is going through a long dark night/week; I am depressed, drained, devoid and dumb. Dumb that I ever agreed to work a shift during the same hours when I usually sleep. I have whiplash from slapping myself in the face the whole commute home as the sun burns bright holes into my vision. I remember this feeling from when I worked the same shift at an all night record store and when I worked craft services for Warner Bros (20 hour days) I would have given anything to be able to shut my eyes to the impending day on the trip home. I remember repeatedly snapping to rapt attention, wondering just how long I'd been unconscious. I can't do this to myself anymore, this is no way to support a family.

I feel like everyone is counting on me to make the most of this week, but I'm really coming up short...I had another 'emergency' at work this morning to deal with after a long night, I stayed as long as I could possibly endure to assist the issue and then I *ran* for the door when no one was looking. Enduring the jerky ritual to get home so I could take a job assessment test that was waiting for me the minute I crawled in the door. I really did the best I could, but after looking over my submission with a few more hours sleep under my belt, I begin fear that my best effort this morning wouldn't have impressed my own mother. What a waste.

Luck would have it, I am a far lighter sleeper when the sun is out. The phone is constantly ringing, I should have guessed it would be a telemarketer again, but I'm so nervous I'm going to miss an important job opportunity if I don't pick up... Hence, I'm an ugly ball of exhaustion and anxiety.

Danny, I try to remember that this isn't about me, son...it's about you. I'm tired of giving you the short end of the stick when it comes to the therapy you need. I'm sorry I haven't been better about giving you the attention you need. I really want to do anything I can to help you.

Patty, I realize that here I am whining to an electronic emotion receptable all alone, and just how pathetic it is. I know you would have made more of your time being alone than I have with mine...I miss you so much, I feel like we're both in extremis, in that we need each other and don't have each other to lean on like we normally do. I love you and yet I don't deserve you. I don't know what life would hold for me if I didn't have you with me to share it. I MISS YOU. My obligations to you and the kids are happy ones, unlike the ones I'm chained to at the moment. Admittedly, who can endure it? Struggling to paint my career skills in trendy pastel colors when inside I feel like I couldn't find my finer points with a magnifying glass? Thinking about being a good and reliable husband to you, and helping Danny is all that is keeping me going. Sorry if this post bums you out, I lost my inhibitions somewhere around Tuesday.

Oh yeah, I changed your title picture to something that happily reminds me of your achievements in Hong Kong, (only this is a picture of Taipei). I remember your stories of your struggles with the language and the lonely nature of mission work. I never went on a mission, but like Kirk says, "You will feel your highest highs and your lowest lows." This too shall pass.

Even the rhyming caption cheers me up: "Thinly Fried Cakes, All Mistakes."

I love you, Patty, and I'm sorry this week has gone so miserably. I wish you luck with the children this week, I really would give anything to be with you instead of being here.


7 comments:

goodfountain said...

Bil, this is heartbreaking to read. I pray you find a positive change to your work situation. And soon!

Patty O. said...

Sweetie! I am so sorry your week is going so poorly. I just hope you have some chance at relaxation while we are gone and maybe even a little sleep.

Try not to put so much pressure on yourself--this will all work out and we will do it together. I promise.

I love you and miss you terribly--this week has been pretty rough on me, though for different reasons (lots and lots of brawling happening here. Whew!)

Gotta run and get the crying baby. Take care of yourself. Enjoy your SUnday--unplug the phone if you have to!!!!!

a Tonggu Momma said...

Bil, I pray things get easier very quickly.

Kim said...

Wow! sorry things are tough, but i just have to say Wow at your obvious love and willingness to do anything for your family. Good men are hard to come by. Glad Patty has found one.

Deb's World said...

I absolutely love the picture! It is awesome!!! I agree with Patty, unplug the phone!!! Typically they expect to leave a message anyway. It's not like they are going to go, oh he's not answering the phone in the middle of the day so I guess we don't want him. They WILL leave a message for you to call them back. Remember, they need you too. Get some sleep. It will help enormously!

susanlindgren said...

Bil this post! Patty is a lucky lady!

Only Aman said...

Chin up. Stay strong - most of all communicate to your wife how you are feeling.

You wrote a great post that men should write to their spouses. Put your heart out their and shared it with the world.

I am cheering for you and hope your job turns around.... about 12 hours... ;-)

-Aman