Bil here. I need to do something to feel better...my soul is going through a long dark night/week; I am depressed, drained, devoid and dumb. Dumb that I ever agreed to work a shift during the same hours when I usually sleep. I have whiplash from slapping myself in the face the whole commute home as the sun burns bright holes into my vision. I remember this feeling from when I worked the same shift at an all night record store and when I worked craft services for Warner Bros (20 hour days) I would have given anything to be able to shut my eyes to the impending day on the trip home. I remember repeatedly snapping to rapt attention, wondering just how long I'd been unconscious. I can't do this to myself anymore, this is no way to support a family.
I feel like everyone is counting on me to make the most of this week, but I'm really coming up short...I had another 'emergency' at work this morning to deal with after a long night, I stayed as long as I could possibly endure to assist the issue and then I *ran* for the door when no one was looking. Enduring the jerky ritual to get home so I could take a job assessment test that was waiting for me the minute I crawled in the door. I really did the best I could, but after looking over my submission with a few more hours sleep under my belt, I begin fear that my best effort this morning wouldn't have impressed my own mother. What a waste.
Luck would have it, I am a far lighter sleeper when the sun is out. The phone is constantly ringing, I should have guessed it would be a telemarketer again, but I'm so nervous I'm going to miss an important job opportunity if I don't pick up... Hence, I'm an ugly ball of exhaustion and anxiety.
Danny, I try to remember that this isn't about me, son...it's about you. I'm tired of giving you the short end of the stick when it comes to the therapy you need. I'm sorry I haven't been better about giving you the attention you need. I really want to do anything I can to help you.
Patty, I realize that here I am whining to an electronic emotion receptable all alone, and just how pathetic it is. I know you would have made more of your time being alone than I have with mine...I miss you so much, I feel like we're both in extremis, in that we need each other and don't have each other to lean on like we normally do. I love you and yet I don't deserve you. I don't know what life would hold for me if I didn't have you with me to share it. I MISS YOU. My obligations to you and the kids are happy ones, unlike the ones I'm chained to at the moment. Admittedly, who can endure it? Struggling to paint my career skills in trendy pastel colors when inside I feel like I couldn't find my finer points with a magnifying glass? Thinking about being a good and reliable husband to you, and helping Danny is all that is keeping me going. Sorry if this post bums you out, I lost my inhibitions somewhere around Tuesday.
Oh yeah, I changed your title picture to something that happily reminds me of your achievements in Hong Kong, (only this is a picture of Taipei). I remember your stories of your struggles with the language and the lonely nature of mission work. I never went on a mission, but like Kirk says, "You will feel your highest highs and your lowest lows." This too shall pass.
Even the rhyming caption cheers me up: "Thinly Fried Cakes, All Mistakes."
I love you, Patty, and I'm sorry this week has gone so miserably. I wish you luck with the children this week, I really would give anything to be with you instead of being here.