It seems so ironic to me. I know a few friends who suffer from insomnia. For whatever reason (perhaps stress?) they are unable to shut off their minds and, as a consequence, struggle to fall asleep. Me, on the other hand, I typically have no trouble at all falling asleep. I can fall asleep while watching a movie, reading a book, praying. In fact, I have more trouble keeping awake at times than anything.
But, lately the snoring has been waking me up. Tonight, I finally retreated to the couch, which was a fine solution until I woke again to feed Tommy. After getting up and making a bottle, I was unable to fall back asleep. This is partly to do with the fact that, though I am in my living room, I could still hear the snoring until I finally closed our bedroom door.
The other reason I can't fall asleep? I guess it would be stress and not being able to turn my mind off. I have a lot on it lately and don't know exactly what to do about that.
I'm worried about so many things right now, some of which I can't really go into here. But, of course, I am worried about Danny, as usual, and whether he is getting the services he needs. I know this seems to be a constant theme of this blog, but it is a problem that has no easy solution. As I have mentioned before, we go to an OT in Chicago who gives us a bevy of exercises to do with Danny. Then, ostensibly, we come home and do those exercises in various forms a couple of times a week.
So much easier said than done.
We have been struggling for some time to actually get the therapy done. I have a really difficult time doing it on my own, but Bil's time is pretty limited and we often forget or put off doing the therapy. I have recently recommitted us to getting back on track, but still, I worry that it is not enough.
I need to get in to see the OT more often, but that has been so difficult with the new baby, the long drive and the fact that my OT is pretty hard to schedule. Not to mention the cost of gas and the aggravation of taking a road trip with three small kids.
I am just so overwhelmed with many issues right now. Bil and I have been fighting a lot, probably mostly due to stress and how poorly I handle it, but also in part because we are not completely on the same page as to how best to discipline. Actually, it probably wouldn't even take much for us to get on the same page, if we just ever had 15 minutes of uninterrupted time to figure it all out. I find myself snapping at him all the time, even in front of the kids, and I can't seem to get a grip. I often wonder if I need some medication, but I know deep down that there are a lot of other issues at play here and medicine would just be a band-aid, not a cure.
A full night's sleep would sure help, but that seems like a pipe dream right now.
So, here I am unable to sleep, wondering what we are going to do about everything. Should we move to be closer to services, especially if we find out Danny is autistic? If we were to move, how would we afford moving costs? How would we ever manage to get the house ready for sale? How would we be able to find a place we could afford to live without me working? How can I manage my time better so I am not so stressed out? Am I giving enough attention to all the kids? Will I ever again sleep through the night?
I just feel like I am dropping the ball in every area of my life. I am not really focused on my responsibilities at church. I haven't returned calls from my sister-in-law in weeks; nor have I been able to find the time to send her kids anything for their birthdays. My house can never stay clean. I can rarely even finish a thought, let alone any sort of home improvement project around the house. And let me tell you, there are projects aplenty at the Pancake house. I feel like I have no energy or desire left over to devote to Bil; heck, I can barely manage a civil word to him much less take care of his emotional or physical needs.
I'm just so wiped out, exhausted and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps that is because it is now 3:27 and I am still not asleep. Maybe this will all seem much less overwhelming tomorrow morning. Or maybe I will be a raving lunatic mom again, because I am so tired AND I have to substitute teach the eight-year-old Sunday School class. Add that to all the normal Sunday morning stress and I just don't see how the morning will make anything look more rosy to me.
And a Sunday afternoon nap is probably out of the question, since yesterday's nap made it difficult for me to sleep last night.
Well, that, and the snoring. Ah, yes, the ubiquitous snoring. The snoring that seems to defy all attempts at fixing.
Dang, and now I'm hungry.
I just reread this post, and I have decided that blogging at 3:36 AM is probably not the best idea......