Tuesday, September 9, 2008

some news

I am officially three months pregnant as I type this. Maybe I should put a warning here: if you hate hearing people complain or worry, this might be the post to skip for you. Despite this being a planned pregnancy, for some reason, I have been struggling with it quite a bit. Basically, I am scared to death about everything and I cannot seem to let it go. I am actually wondering if I need to talk to my doctor about this, but I feel so silly. I mean, I should be ecstatic, right? I have two beautiful children who are doing reasonably well (aside from Char's aversion to clothing and delight in playing with her excrement and some hiccups in Danny's development, etc.) and who are exceedingly healthy. My husband has a pretty good job that is relatively stable (he is an engineer in the automotive industry which has taken quite a hit with this recession, but his company is doing ok) and I am able to stay at home with my kids and still manage to pay the bills.

Still, I am scared to death that we will not be able to handle this. I guess actually I am scared that I won't be able to handle it. Bil will be fine, I'm sure. I am struggling so much trying to help Danny with his transition to school and dealing just with his normal discipline issues. We have not been very diligent with his therapy exercises, partly because I am so nauseated and exhausted all the time, I barely can make dinner. I wonder how we will manage when we have a newborn who requires so much time and energy. How will I squeeze in Danny's therapy then when I can barely do so now and I am actually getting a full night's sleep every night?

We prayed about the decision to have another child and both Bil and I got the same answer, that we should have one more. I really struggled with this, not because I don't want another child, but because I feel like I am already dropping the ball in so many ways with the two I have, it feels almost negligent to add another innocent child to the mix. I don't mean to be melodramatic, but I just seriously screamed at my daughter this morning because she has been crying all the time lately. This morning we had a battle over her clothes, as usual. She doesn't like wearing them. At all. And it was chilly this morning and I could hardly take her to Wal-Mart in just a diaper (and I would really be lucky if she even kept the diaper on!). After wrestling the clothes onto her little body, I just lost it while she cried and cried. I mean, if I can scream at a little girl because I can't take the crying, who am I to have another baby, who I am sure will cry quite a bit?

And please don't tell me that my next baby will be an easy one because God only gives us what we can handle. I really don't believe that right now. Plus, Charlotte was supposed to be my easy kid: she is a girl, can talk amazingly well and does not, as far as we know, have SPD or any other disorder. Yet, she is so not easy. She really isn't. She is wonderful and smart and funny and beautiful, but she is really stubborn and so far we have found no discipline techniques that actually work on her. Time-outs are a joke and spanking barely even registers.

Anyway, I know I am digressing. I know that these things are all manageable, but right now nothing FEELS manageable. Does that make sense? What I think bothers me the most is I know I have made the right decision in getting pregnant. So, why do I feel nothing but doubt and despair? Where is the peace? I have prayed about it and I do feel better--for a while--but it doesn't last. I guess maybe that means I need to pray more and complain less. I need to get a grip on this fear and worry that is consuming me. The problem is, I don't really feel like praying. Right now, I have a hard time believing that God understands what I am dealing with and maybe even that God cares about me. Maybe this has something to do with how emotionally unavailable my earthly father is. When I called to tell him I was pregnant, he was so busy watching TV that he never heard me actually say I was pregnant. He found out from my brother and thinks I never told him. Sadly, this sort of thing is not at all unusual.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in God and I know He loves His children. I have no doubt he loves you. It's me that I am not sure about. Sometimes, the spoiled child in me comes out and I think that if He really loved me, He would take all the problems away. I know that is not at all how it works, that if He did actually take all the problems away, it would be a bad thing. And I also know that my problems are so small potato compared to so many other people's. And that actually makes me feel worse, more guilty, like I have no right to be scared and sad and overwhelmed. I just need to snap out of it.

I have felt a bit better lately now that I have sort of started exercising again, but the sadness still rears its ugly head. I know I need to be more consistent in exercising and taking some time for myself. And I need to spend more time praying and reading the scriptures. Now if I could just make myself do it....

10 comments:

kia (good enough mama) said...

First off, congrats! Even if you're not feeling celebratory, congrats!! :) That's very exciting news!

Secondly, it does sound like you're in a real downer of a place right now. I can't blame you. I'd be struggling with all the same worries and concerns.

Hugs. You'll find a way to get through this. If for no other reason than because you have no choice! :)

I'll be sending up some wishes/prayers/etc for an "easy" baby for you.

Amy Jane said...

Patty,

You know, this post makes me think that you should really table the idea of moving for the forseeable future, unless you feel very strongly that it's imperative to move. Is that therapist in Terre Haute still working out, or did that fall through? With the way you're feeling now, and the undeniable fact that your life WILL be even crazier when you have the baby (but you WILL get through it), it just seems like this would be a horrible time to tack moving on to all of that. Moving is one of the most stressful things a person can do. I think you just need to sit back, take a deep breath, and try to find peace where you are both in life and on the map, and recognize that everything will be OK, because, well, it just has to. I will be praying for you and thinking about you, and I will remind you once again that I am always just a phone call away. I will also remind you that you're the most loving, nurturing mom I know, and you will do just fine for all three of your children. The main thing a child needs is love, and you have that in spades. I'm sending you a virtual hug!

Love,
Amy

mrsbear said...

I definitely think congratulations are in order. I'm very happy for you. New babies are good news.

That said, I don't think there's any right or wrong way to feel. You're struggling right now, add to that your body's hormonal upheavals, and it's an all day ticket to the emotional roller coaster. I think being overwhelmed is normal, but like the nausea and physical exhaustion, it's temporary.

I know my last pregnancy did a number on me emotionally. I was very hostile for some reason, toward my mother in particular. It eventually subsided.

Also, I wanted to say that no kid is the "easy" kid. Some are easier than others but when they're at that combative toddler stage, none are easy. And a non-stop crying kid will definitely drive anyone to some less than ideal parenting situations. Just give yourself some room, if you need a break sometimes...take it.

I really hope you feel better soon. I don't know what else to say that won't sound cheesy.

Sending some bloggy hugs your way as well.

:-(

beckbot said...

Please don't feel bad about getting mad at Charlotte. I once gave Super Q a 15-minute lecture about how hard it was to be a mom. He was 4 months old. (Thank goodness, hopefully it didn't affect him at all). Nobody is a perfect mom. I'm going to write it again. Nobody is a perfect mom. It's ok to be scared and even ambivalent. Lean hard on Bil, lean hard on family, lean hard on friends (me!) Don't give up on God. Remember that He can communicate His love and peace through other people. You're in my prayers, too.

Stonefox (otherwise known as Heidi) said...

Congratulations, Patty! It IS exciting, although I am well acquainted with your feelings.

When I found out I was pregnant with my second, we had JUST turned our dossier in for the adoption and were not planning a pregnancy. For several months I was really in despair. I was totally and completely overwhelmed by what I was facing.

What I didn't know at the time, was that God was going to move us to a new location...a place where Daniel can go to school (without getting expelled), where there are many other adoptive families, and where there are lots of conveniences that we didn't have before.

I guess I would just say this: what you are feeling is NORMAL. Don't feel bad or guilty. You can't see the full picture yet, but as it unfolds, you will find beauty in it. Also, remember that you won't feel like this forever. Each day and week and month is new!

goodfountain said...

Oh dear. You are down. I'm sorry. I imagine much of it is hormonal. Maybe??

I do want to say though - Your Char is so much like my Ess. Especially with taking the clothes and diaper off and fighting getting dressed. She is constantly getting naked. Her language is so good and, oh my, timeouts are a joke here too. She will just put herself in timeout and then sit there and giggle. She's too much.

all I know to say is "hang in there" - know that God really DOES love you even when it feels like He doesn't.

(PS: we can relate on the dad stuff too.)

mommakisses said...

The hormones are running amuck... and that's a hard place to be! As a mother of 4, I know each addition brings it's own challenges, and facing the unknown through the vision of the known is very distorting.

I find my comfort in John 6:66-69... I live by the idea there is no where else I can go for my comfort or answers.

It sounds to me like you are a great mother... and the reality is God has given you two gifts... and now He has chosen to give you another. We all have our moments... and prayer covers them all! I find myself praying God will not allow my kids to be scared by my mothering ;-) Yours will be fine, too... all three ;-)

Congrats on your growing family!

hellokittiemama said...

Hang in there! Congrats on your pregnancy and it will be OK. Sounds like you need some rest, a break (I know..what is that?).

Susan said...

Congrats-
When we are overly confident it ends up biting us. Maybe not fear but knowing the "bumps" in the road

Elizabeth Channel said...

Three years ago, before Sue was born, I, too felt like this, but it will pass. Those hormones *are* insidious, and you must find time to rest.

(I'll have to tell you once I got over the wretched morning sickness, that pregnancy was one of my greatest joys!)

And I can't give any encouragement better than that given by these women who have commented before me because almost all of them have become such dear, dear friends to me and, like you have done for me too, are seeing me through my own tough times.

God does have a plan for you, and it is a good plan.

Cling to that.