I am officially three months pregnant as I type this. Maybe I should put a warning here: if you hate hearing people complain or worry, this might be the post to skip for you. Despite this being a planned pregnancy, for some reason, I have been struggling with it quite a bit. Basically, I am scared to death about everything and I cannot seem to let it go. I am actually wondering if I need to talk to my doctor about this, but I feel so silly. I mean, I should be ecstatic, right? I have two beautiful children who are doing reasonably well (aside from Char's aversion to clothing and delight in playing with her excrement and some hiccups in Danny's development, etc.) and who are exceedingly healthy. My husband has a pretty good job that is relatively stable (he is an engineer in the automotive industry which has taken quite a hit with this recession, but his company is doing ok) and I am able to stay at home with my kids and still manage to pay the bills.
Still, I am scared to death that we will not be able to handle this. I guess actually I am scared that I won't be able to handle it. Bil will be fine, I'm sure. I am struggling so much trying to help Danny with his transition to school and dealing just with his normal discipline issues. We have not been very diligent with his therapy exercises, partly because I am so nauseated and exhausted all the time, I barely can make dinner. I wonder how we will manage when we have a newborn who requires so much time and energy. How will I squeeze in Danny's therapy then when I can barely do so now and I am actually getting a full night's sleep every night?
We prayed about the decision to have another child and both Bil and I got the same answer, that we should have one more. I really struggled with this, not because I don't want another child, but because I feel like I am already dropping the ball in so many ways with the two I have, it feels almost negligent to add another innocent child to the mix. I don't mean to be melodramatic, but I just seriously screamed at my daughter this morning because she has been crying all the time lately. This morning we had a battle over her clothes, as usual. She doesn't like wearing them. At all. And it was chilly this morning and I could hardly take her to Wal-Mart in just a diaper (and I would really be lucky if she even kept the diaper on!). After wrestling the clothes onto her little body, I just lost it while she cried and cried. I mean, if I can scream at a little girl because I can't take the crying, who am I to have another baby, who I am sure will cry quite a bit?
And please don't tell me that my next baby will be an easy one because God only gives us what we can handle. I really don't believe that right now. Plus, Charlotte was supposed to be my easy kid: she is a girl, can talk amazingly well and does not, as far as we know, have SPD or any other disorder. Yet, she is so not easy. She really isn't. She is wonderful and smart and funny and beautiful, but she is really stubborn and so far we have found no discipline techniques that actually work on her. Time-outs are a joke and spanking barely even registers.
Anyway, I know I am digressing. I know that these things are all manageable, but right now nothing FEELS manageable. Does that make sense? What I think bothers me the most is I know I have made the right decision in getting pregnant. So, why do I feel nothing but doubt and despair? Where is the peace? I have prayed about it and I do feel better--for a while--but it doesn't last. I guess maybe that means I need to pray more and complain less. I need to get a grip on this fear and worry that is consuming me. The problem is, I don't really feel like praying. Right now, I have a hard time believing that God understands what I am dealing with and maybe even that God cares about me. Maybe this has something to do with how emotionally unavailable my earthly father is. When I called to tell him I was pregnant, he was so busy watching TV that he never heard me actually say I was pregnant. He found out from my brother and thinks I never told him. Sadly, this sort of thing is not at all unusual.
Don't get me wrong, I do believe in God and I know He loves His children. I have no doubt he loves you. It's me that I am not sure about. Sometimes, the spoiled child in me comes out and I think that if He really loved me, He would take all the problems away. I know that is not at all how it works, that if He did actually take all the problems away, it would be a bad thing. And I also know that my problems are so small potato compared to so many other people's. And that actually makes me feel worse, more guilty, like I have no right to be scared and sad and overwhelmed. I just need to snap out of it.
I have felt a bit better lately now that I have sort of started exercising again, but the sadness still rears its ugly head. I know I need to be more consistent in exercising and taking some time for myself. And I need to spend more time praying and reading the scriptures. Now if I could just make myself do it....